I have so much on my mind these days, so much in my heart and I don't know how to express myself.
I understand the definition of Christianity. I understand that I am saved by grace that I may look forward to eternity with my Saviour.
But I want more in this life. My desire is to be full of the Spirit of the living God, so full that I pour it out in my love life for my husband and children. I believe it is a desire given to me by the One who created me and I so much want to experience it.
I've had it before. I know it is the outpouring of His spirit that gave me the strength to work two jobs and attend college full time. It is by His strength that I was able to achieve my goals then. It was His strength that transformed me from victim to survivor when I confronted the abuse in my childhood. And, I used to play the piano. For ten years I was classically trained. Then, I would play at church or an event and I could feel His power performing through my fingertips... How I long for that feeling again!
These past months, I have felt so empty. I'm stuck in the brokenness of my childhood and I want out!
I want to be so full of His Spirit that His love pours out of me onto my children. That they will know His love by my submission to His Spirit. I feel so empty. I just want more Jesus.
We sang this song in church Sunday and it made so much sense to me. I have to bring my brokeness to the foot of the cross and leave it there. It seems I have done this before, but somehow I keep going back to pick it up again. This time, let me leave it. And in exchange, let me pick up some Holy Spirit power to fuel my day to day, caring for the needs of my children.
And so,
I hope to make a change in this blog of mine. I want to focus more on rejoicing in the moments of our lives. More focus on the little things that will bring me joy, and maybe others too.
The lyrics to You are still Holy:
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love
CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belong to You
You are still holy
Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You
CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy.
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to You
And so I come into your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour and I'm at your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to you
You are still holy, You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all knowing
You are still holy, You are still holy ~ Kim Hill
