REAL- and quite possibly long

I want to be real. And I want to be honest. And, I haven't felt like it. So, I haven't been writing.

Meeting my biological dad was one of the best things ever to happen in my life. Yet, I have been avoiding writing about this reunion.

When I was a kid, I said that bit (one of the best days) about being adopted. Everything else was compared to that day. I was a people pleaser in those days, and I wanted my new parents to be pleased with me. I wanted them to believe I liked life with them (even on the days I didn't) so that I could stay. Because I didn't want to be sent away again.

I am getting distracted. I am starting over.

It sucks. It disrupts what I believe and I am pushed on to a more accurate definition of who I am, why I am loved and how I am loved.

I believed life was rough. And I believed my life was too much work for my parents. I believed my life got in the way of their life.

I thought being saved from a rough situation saved my life from a similar story- the story of my biological parents, the story of teenage pregnancy. I believed that being second rate in my adopted home was better than the way my life could have been with single parents.

Now I am not so sure. But, I am not so sure that that matters to me anymore.

Now I know my father loves me, because I have experienced his love. I have experienced something that is impossible to describe. He loves me and now I know. He wants to bless me with good things. He makes time to connect with me. He enjoys my quirkiness, or at least seems. And for now, I am content to rest in that.

Sure, I feel uncomfortable. What does this mean for my adopted family? If God can restore these relationships with my biological family, can't he make those relationships better too?

Being connected to so many people makes me want to crawl in a hole and come out next year. It's a lot of work, but I know it's good for me.

And even this still seems sugar coated.

You know what? It really sucked when he left!

I was so depressed. WHy? I knew he needed to go back to his home, back to his work, his life. Was I scared to lose him again? Was it old loss being experienced again?

I don't really know what was going on. I was in a fog for a few weeks, lost, living moment by moment. I so much wanted to rejoice in the love I had experienced, so much wanted to rejoice in the new memories made and I didn't know how. All I felt was lost and confused. And I was ashamed that I would feel this way.

Finally, after a couple weeks, I told him. I shared my lost feelings and my confusion. And I felt better. And then, within the same day, we shared with one another, the same thoughts about all of it. The thoughts and ideas we had were based on waiting on the Lord. I had taken my hurt, my confusion, my lostness to the Lord. And he heard my cry. And my father confirmed my message from God with the same scripture God had put in my heart.

And the joy I experienced then and there is beyond description. God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good!

God loves adoption.... but that doesn't make it easy. This mama reminds me and this mama needs encouragement and prayer.

And now I'll resume my vacation.

vacation

I am taking a bloggy vacation. It's summer. It's hot. My littlest one is becoming much more active and I trouble to keep up- how do you keep up with three little ones still under the age of 3 (but not for long?)

So much has happened in my little world... and my emotions and thoughts and the growth of my little ones... so much to write about- but when? how? I hope to resume in another month with a better plan for keeping up with it here.

Until then- happy heat to you all!

literacy

I'm following a new blog. Well, it's new to me. I just love what it's all about.

http://tumblon.com/honey

words are insufficient

The reunion with my father was good. But there just don't seem to be words in the english vocabulary to tell you how good. I could tell you what we did, where we went, what we ate, what we said, but it wouldn't matter. I can't tell you how I feel about it.

The last time I saw him, I was seven years old. When I saw him coming out of the gate at the airport, I knew him. The picture he sent probably helped. That I had two kids in a stroller and one in my arms probably helped him. But there was more. There was a familiarity to him. That I can't describe.

And when I led him around a long trek around downtown, he willingly pushed the stroller without ever grumbling about my bad sense of direction, which he admitted I probably got from him. And when my kids crawled all over him and cozied up next to his chocolate dessert at dinner, he willingly shared. And when my daughter whispered to me after dinner that she loves her new grandpa, my heart melted. And when he puts his arm around me while we praised God together and I couldn't even sing my praise, for the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat. See I can tell you all these things, but I can't tell you what they meant to me. I can't make you feel what I felt with the words I used.

But when I took him to the airport to return home and he looked in my eyes and thanked me for letting him come, I knew something I never knew before. And I cried the whole way home and for most of the day, because something special had happened and I am eternally thankful. I am thankful for the new memories to put with my old memories. I am thankful I have a dad who loves me still after all these years who is willing to give of himself so that we can both be better people.

22 years is a long time.

Nearly 22 years ago, my parents said goodbye to my siblings and I. Not knowing if they would ever see us again. I can't even begin to imagine what they must have experienced.

Now, in 24 hours, I will be face to face with my father. While I am not nervous or anxious, I feel like I am on the edge. My father is encouraging. He edifies who I am in the Spirit. But that has all taken place thru the telephone.

This is different. I will meet him in the airport and I will see him face to face. I will bring him to this place where God has given me a home and shown me a love beyond measure.

I am on the edge of something new and it just seems good.

at the beach

We spent a most glorious week at the beach. It couldn't have been a more beautiful, more perfect week! Loved the fun in the sun, afternoon naps and lots of delicious local seafood.