As I have written previously, there is a special place in my heart for hymns.
This particular one is a favorite. It was learned while studying with Bible Study Fellowship International.
But I know Whom I have believed, And am persuaded that He is able To keep that which I've committed Unto Him against that day.
I know not when my Lord may come, At night or noonday fair, Nor if I walk the vale with Him, Or meet Him in the air.
But I know Whom I have believed, And am persuaded that He is able To keep that which I've committed Unto Him against that day.
While in college, the Lord arranged my schedule each year (except while student teaching) so that I could participate in this study. It laid a foundation for my faith. Encouraged to have daily fellowship with the Lord, encouraged by many older ladies who poured out love and wisdom, I flourished in the surrounding.
During this emotionally overwhelming time, I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able!
1.17.2009
1.16.2009
commitment
This is so much tougher than I thought it would be. I love them, I really do. I am from them. I thought these relationships would be casual, easy, non committal.
The very nature of reconnecting with my biological parents is soul searching. It asks probing questions. I was 7 years old! I have memories that need to be validated and shared. I have feelings for these people that have gone unreciprocated, unacknowledged and unknown by them for 20 years. In the process, I become attached. This frightens me deeply.
The more attached I become to my father, the more I desire some form of commitment. I don't want him to leave me again. Desperately trying not to put him on a pedestal. He's a good wise man; he's kind, gentle, loving, generous. Yet, he did leave me 20 years ago. The more I talk to him, the more I like him. I see similarities. I feel appreciated. Will he tire of me? Will I annoy him? In tears, I told him, he cannot leave me again.
He reminded me our heavenly father is in charge. Heavenly Father makes the calls. Heavenly Father brings us in and out of relationships. But, my earthly father wants to know me more, wants to be part of my life. And that satisfies, edifies, and encourages me.
Yet, I have to remind myself: Jesus is more than enough. Jesus satisfies my soul. Jesus edifies and encourages, and it is Jesus who is sufficient for me.
I am thankful for these new relationships, but I am desperately clinging to a healthy perspective, keeping my eyes on Him, my redeemer, my savior, my everything.
The very nature of reconnecting with my biological parents is soul searching. It asks probing questions. I was 7 years old! I have memories that need to be validated and shared. I have feelings for these people that have gone unreciprocated, unacknowledged and unknown by them for 20 years. In the process, I become attached. This frightens me deeply.
The more attached I become to my father, the more I desire some form of commitment. I don't want him to leave me again. Desperately trying not to put him on a pedestal. He's a good wise man; he's kind, gentle, loving, generous. Yet, he did leave me 20 years ago. The more I talk to him, the more I like him. I see similarities. I feel appreciated. Will he tire of me? Will I annoy him? In tears, I told him, he cannot leave me again.
He reminded me our heavenly father is in charge. Heavenly Father makes the calls. Heavenly Father brings us in and out of relationships. But, my earthly father wants to know me more, wants to be part of my life. And that satisfies, edifies, and encourages me.
Yet, I have to remind myself: Jesus is more than enough. Jesus satisfies my soul. Jesus edifies and encourages, and it is Jesus who is sufficient for me.
I am thankful for these new relationships, but I am desperately clinging to a healthy perspective, keeping my eyes on Him, my redeemer, my savior, my everything.
1.14.2009
mother/daughter, father/ daughter relationship
Why is it that I feel so connected to him. And not to her? It is so dificult to get past this junk that clutters a relationship... Old feelings of abandonment being brought back to life. Why can't they stay buried?
What is forgiveness? Old hurts don't go away. They are never forgotten. Your GLORY come Lord. I treasure that day in GLORY when all of this will be burned away. Until then, how do hurts and forgiveness work together? I can only hope for that day to come and wipe away my tears. The hurts won't go away until that day. Forgiveness may be extended... Relationships can be restored... but still the ache lingers...
I bring you my broken pieces Lord, trusting you to put it back together again.
What is forgiveness? Old hurts don't go away. They are never forgotten. Your GLORY come Lord. I treasure that day in GLORY when all of this will be burned away. Until then, how do hurts and forgiveness work together? I can only hope for that day to come and wipe away my tears. The hurts won't go away until that day. Forgiveness may be extended... Relationships can be restored... but still the ache lingers...
I bring you my broken pieces Lord, trusting you to put it back together again.
1.13.2009
my hats
This morning I have an email from my dearly beloved Grandpa. This is what he says,
You must get pretty tired with all the hats you are wearing lately! Wife, mother, family counselor, bible study coordinator and I’m sure there are more that I don’t know about. But I believe God has prepared you for such a time as this and I believe He is using you in a might way because He knows your heart and He sees your obedience. Because I believe this I am going to share with you some things that are very delicate and sensitive, but I believe that He will use you to heal them and to bring the kind of reconciliation that only He can bring.
I very much appreciate his encouragement and I covet his prayers. He sees through me and lifts me up. I love my Grandpa.
It's true, I am busy these days. I desperately want to get it all down. I am afraid in the midst of it, I will forget these treasures. Beginning soon, I am leading my brother and sister on a journey through the Search for Significance. It was recommended to me years ago, and changed my life.
I am learning how to be a daughter and accept the love which my father gives- literally. God my father has so much in store for this year in restoring relationships and I am beyond anxious to see it come to fruition. Relationships with my siblings will be restored. Relationship with my biological parents will be restored. They love me, and I never really knew it. And possibly, relationship with my adoptive parents to be restored- something real and genuine, more than, 'how's the weather?' and disappointment. They love and don't express it for me.
How can I do all this and be a mother too? I have no idea. My patience is running thin. I am tired and weak. But it is when I am weak, that He will make me strong. And I anticipate that.
Lord, help me to wear these hats, no wear them for me. That these people whom I love will see only see your glory, will see your kingdom come in my heart. Fill me up with your Spirit that I may complete these tasks at hand and those around me will grow closer to you. In Jesus name.
You must get pretty tired with all the hats you are wearing lately! Wife, mother, family counselor, bible study coordinator and I’m sure there are more that I don’t know about. But I believe God has prepared you for such a time as this and I believe He is using you in a might way because He knows your heart and He sees your obedience. Because I believe this I am going to share with you some things that are very delicate and sensitive, but I believe that He will use you to heal them and to bring the kind of reconciliation that only He can bring.
I very much appreciate his encouragement and I covet his prayers. He sees through me and lifts me up. I love my Grandpa.
It's true, I am busy these days. I desperately want to get it all down. I am afraid in the midst of it, I will forget these treasures. Beginning soon, I am leading my brother and sister on a journey through the Search for Significance. It was recommended to me years ago, and changed my life.
I am learning how to be a daughter and accept the love which my father gives- literally. God my father has so much in store for this year in restoring relationships and I am beyond anxious to see it come to fruition. Relationships with my siblings will be restored. Relationship with my biological parents will be restored. They love me, and I never really knew it. And possibly, relationship with my adoptive parents to be restored- something real and genuine, more than, 'how's the weather?' and disappointment. They love and don't express it for me.
How can I do all this and be a mother too? I have no idea. My patience is running thin. I am tired and weak. But it is when I am weak, that He will make me strong. And I anticipate that.
Lord, help me to wear these hats, no wear them for me. That these people whom I love will see only see your glory, will see your kingdom come in my heart. Fill me up with your Spirit that I may complete these tasks at hand and those around me will grow closer to you. In Jesus name.
Bible Reading
I am reading the Bible in a year! And it is going great! It has been great starting my mornings with His words.
1.01.2009
my salvation story
I was baptized twice.
The first time I was seven years old, and I had just been adopted by some good folks who believe in infant baptism. But I wasn't baptized as an infant, so I was baptized by them at seven.
When I was around 10, I was at a church camp for one week in the summer. A pastor had us all pick out a stick that represented the path of our lives. Being a people pleaser, I picked the most crooked one I could find! He had us carry it around all week. Then he talked about how it was a burden for us and he talked about giving our burdens over to God. He encouraged us to throw our sticks into the bonfire, symbolizing our desire to give our lives over to God. So, I think I got a little of that....a seed was planted.
Growing up in Presbyterian church, we often sang hymns. So along the way, the hymns for me become more than just singing along, but singing along with my heart. I began to believe exactly what they taught. I received my Jesus education from those hymns, and my salvation. In my teenage years, I would be so frustrated and hurting, and I would just pour it all out on the piano keyboard, singing and playing those old hymns, when no one was home!
God wrote those songs on my heart. I still have many of them memorized. I sing them to the children sometimes.
In my college years, at a Campus Crusade Christmas conference, they taught us that prayer- which I prayed, just in case- but I think it set in long before that.
Having by this time read what the Bible teaches about baptism, God put it on my heart to be baptized again. By this time, my faith in Christ had become my own, and not my parent's faith. I believe I am saved by God's grace- not by my parent's belief.
An elder once questioned my salvation when I decided to be baptized. I don't think he liked my lack of 'coming to the altar'. But I know who is in my heart and I am assured of my eternity in heaven. He decided to allow me to be baptized after all!
The first time I was seven years old, and I had just been adopted by some good folks who believe in infant baptism. But I wasn't baptized as an infant, so I was baptized by them at seven.
When I was around 10, I was at a church camp for one week in the summer. A pastor had us all pick out a stick that represented the path of our lives. Being a people pleaser, I picked the most crooked one I could find! He had us carry it around all week. Then he talked about how it was a burden for us and he talked about giving our burdens over to God. He encouraged us to throw our sticks into the bonfire, symbolizing our desire to give our lives over to God. So, I think I got a little of that....a seed was planted.
Growing up in Presbyterian church, we often sang hymns. So along the way, the hymns for me become more than just singing along, but singing along with my heart. I began to believe exactly what they taught. I received my Jesus education from those hymns, and my salvation. In my teenage years, I would be so frustrated and hurting, and I would just pour it all out on the piano keyboard, singing and playing those old hymns, when no one was home!
God wrote those songs on my heart. I still have many of them memorized. I sing them to the children sometimes.
In my college years, at a Campus Crusade Christmas conference, they taught us that prayer- which I prayed, just in case- but I think it set in long before that.
Having by this time read what the Bible teaches about baptism, God put it on my heart to be baptized again. By this time, my faith in Christ had become my own, and not my parent's faith. I believe I am saved by God's grace- not by my parent's belief.
An elder once questioned my salvation when I decided to be baptized. I don't think he liked my lack of 'coming to the altar'. But I know who is in my heart and I am assured of my eternity in heaven. He decided to allow me to be baptized after all!
Gold
From my favorite Christmas hymn:
Gold I bring to crown him again, king forever, ceasing never over us all to reign....O! Star of wonder, star of night....
Allow king Jesus to be your everything this year. Crown him king of your heart and allow him to heal your broken heart. Give it all over to him. Allow him to do immeasurably more! : To him who that is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to his power that is at work with in us. - Ephesians 3:20
I am so excited at what this year has to offer. God is doing big things in my life! The story continues. He isn't finished with me yet!
Gold I bring to crown him again, king forever, ceasing never over us all to reign....O! Star of wonder, star of night....
Allow king Jesus to be your everything this year. Crown him king of your heart and allow him to heal your broken heart. Give it all over to him. Allow him to do immeasurably more! : To him who that is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to his power that is at work with in us. - Ephesians 3:20
I am so excited at what this year has to offer. God is doing big things in my life! The story continues. He isn't finished with me yet!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)