You are still holy

I have so much on my mind these days, so much in my heart and I don't know how to express myself.

I understand the definition of Christianity. I understand that I am saved by grace that I may look forward to eternity with my Saviour.

But I want more in this life. My desire is to be full of the Spirit of the living God, so full that I pour it out in my love life for my husband and children. I believe it is a desire given to me by the One who created me and I so much want to experience it.

I've had it before. I know it is the outpouring of His spirit that gave me the strength to work two jobs and attend college full time. It is by His strength that I was able to achieve my goals then. It was His strength that transformed me from victim to survivor when I confronted the abuse in my childhood. And, I used to play the piano. For ten years I was classically trained. Then, I would play at church or an event and I could feel His power performing through my fingertips... How I long for that feeling again!

These past months, I have felt so empty. I'm stuck in the brokenness of my childhood and I want out!

I want to be so full of His Spirit that His love pours out of me onto my children. That they will know His love by my submission to His Spirit. I feel so empty. I just want more Jesus.

We sang this song in church Sunday and it made so much sense to me. I have to bring my brokeness to the foot of the cross and leave it there. It seems I have done this before, but somehow I keep going back to pick it up again. This time, let me leave it. And in exchange, let me pick up some Holy Spirit power to fuel my day to day, caring for the needs of my children.

And so,

I hope to make a change in this blog of mine. I want to focus more on rejoicing in the moments of our lives. More focus on the little things that will bring me joy, and maybe others too.

The lyrics to You are still Holy:

Holy, You are still holy,
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belong to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You

CHORUS:
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour, and I'm at Your mercy.
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to You

And so I come into your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my saviour and I'm at your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
It belongs to You
I belong to you

You are still holy, You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all knowing
You are still holy, You are still holy ~ Kim Hill

Further more...

This life I have right now, where I'm wife to man who loves me beyond measure and mom to three amazing, beautiful, (usually) happy children, blesses me deeply. And if it took that to get here, then I'd gladly suffer again.

Further more, my suffering is NOTHING in the light of the cross. My Savior took on my burden of sin so that when He comes again, He can take me home. Surely that moment will be full of joy, and because of that, I can live in joy now.

My God, how GREAT you are!

This just in: I'm letting go...

My life has been some kind of crazy ride. Events throughout my growing up years robbed me of the joy and purity of childhood. They were enough to send a sane person to the crazy ward.

As a college girl, I searched for understanding. I read countless stories of victims and survivors. Stories of adults who had experiences similar to my own, who now suffer with multiple personalities, drug and alcohol addiction, stories of depression. I read stories of victory and empowerment, of survivors.

My searching for understanding turned to joy and wonder, my mourning to laughter. How is it that the God who made me, who saw my hurt and pain, would save me from this? How is it that I could experience such deep pain and loss and yet remain with my heart and mind intact? Surely He has had a plan for me all along!

And as I've grown to be a woman, a wife, a mother, I've looked at my life story and wondered why it didn't twist or turn this way or that way to have made a different life for me? Why is it that I had to experience such loss? Why couldn't my life have been better?

And now I see. I see that in doing this, in asking these questions, I've made a plan for my life, a prideful plan, thinking I could have worked the details out to avoid the affliction. And in my pride, I believed that in avoiding the affliction, I would be a better person today.

And now I see. God can and does work out the ugly details of our lives for the good of His kingdom. I don't know how He will use my ugliness, my brokenness, my pain and shame, my burden. But, now I see that I must release the burden.

I must let go of the life I had planned for me.

What a great thing He has done in my heart already. That I can overcome these obstacles, by the power of His spirit, and be the mother that I am today, shows me that He is already doing a great work in me. The more I let go, the more of His spirit can be poured in and the more extraordinary my life can be.

Bring it Lord! I'm letting go.

free laptop!

Mary at Owlhaven is giving away a laptop!

forgiveness

I just love to read what Mary has to say. I love her stories about experiences with adoption and I love the encouragement she gives to moms. This post about forgiveness really got to me. She perfectly described a relationship of mine.

I am a survivor. This person, whose actions wounded me so deeply, is close to our family. I grew up with him. We have always had a bitter-filled relationship, without acknowledging the source of the bitterness. Forgiveness means letting that go.

In the past several years, especially since becoming a mother, I have chosen to acknowledge the source of that bitterness. Reopening that dark time in our family history was difficult and that doesn't even begin to describe it. Many of the people (not that many people were involved- it's just that the majority of the few) equated that with UNforgiveness.

So, it's something I've wondered about often. How do I know I have forgiven him? Well, I do know that it's not dependent on other people's opinions. I think forgiveness is between me and God. I don't feel fully capable of forgiving this person, but I rely on God to fill in the gaps for me. I know that He is the author of forgiveness. He has forgiven me and enabled me to forgive. And I think that I can look at my life for evidence of forgiveness. I have peace in my heart.

We have an upcoming trip to visit family. I am hoping for a peace that surpasses all understanding. I considered writing him a note to ask him to please be nice to me this time. But, I think I'll leave it in God's hands. He is much more capable than I.

Men vs. Women: Fathers vs. Mothers in relationships

Between my husband and I, we have 5 sets of parents. His parents were divorced and are remarried. I bring in the other three with my adopted parents and my biological parents, who are also divorced and remarried. So, that's a lot of parents!

This weekend, I attended a women's praise and worship service at our church. A single mother of 5 was telling us her story and giving us encouragement. One thing she said that really stuck with me was this: 'Surrounding ourselves with GOOD relationships helps us to experience a truer better relationship with God'. So true. So true.

I've been noticing something interesting. I don't remember my adopted father and I having a very close relationship. I have noticed that the more I grow in relationship with my biological father, the more accepting I am of my adopted father. I don't really understand why.

On the flip side. My adopted mother seems to be more distant. And it seems the closer that I grow with my biological father, the relationship with my biological mother grows distant. Now, I just found out she's had some health concerns in the past weeks, which is what this possibly is all about. And they are likely not related at all.

However, this is what is on my heart concerning these relationships with all my parents.

I want to be equal with them all. At first I expected that all things would be the same, that the relationships would be the same. I think I haven't ever expected much from my parents- any of them- so I didn't expect to continue to expect much. Follow that?! I expected, like the majority of my relationships, that they'd be mediocre at best.

I am surprised to find myself with a strong connection, a memory of a true relationship (in my child brain), and a desire for a continued strong bond with one particular parent. I can't explain it. It's not fair to the other parents maybe? That makes me uncomfortable. I don't really want to talk about this relationship with the other parents because it makes me uncomfortable.

I wonder why they can't just rejoice with me. I have lacked true relationship most of my life (my husband- Thank GOD- is an exception). I want them to rejoice and be glad that God has put someone in my life- besides you Grandpa! :) with whom I can experience a genuine relationship, someone who teaches me about relationship with God in the way he handles relationship with me. I am SO thankful for this. I don't want to feel guilty about it! I rejoice in it!

Does that mean these other relationships must stagnant and not grow in themselves? Absolutely not! I want these other relationships to grow and be fruitful in themselves and I want them to also bring honor and glory to God. But, I don't think it is reasonable to expect 'fairness or equality' in them. At least, not according to the world's definition. Maybe 'sameness' is a better word. These relationships will not be the same or equal, because God created us all to be unique. Therefore the relationships are unique in themselves and comparing them just doesn't work.

So, I think now that I have compared and analyzed them, I'll stop. I am thankful, grateful for each relationship and the way each relationship reveals to me things about God's character. I am not more thankful for one over another. And I am especially thankful for the new found blessing of meaningful relationship.

Just to be fair...

I want to honor my parents and I don't like being negative. It's just not who I am. Sometimes the truth hurts. It hurts me, anyway. And yet, I know through it all that God has worked out the details of my life for good. And that is enough.

I love my parents, the ones who adopted me, chose me, as they so often said. Their sacrifice was not small. Adding our family of siblings (there are 3 of us) to their family of three in a few short weeks. They provided a lot for us: a great neighborhood w/ a large yard to grow in, a good school system to learn in, yearly summer vacations and trips to summer camp, a supportive family of aunts and uncles and grandparents, many many good memories. But, bad ones too. And really, what family doesn't have bad memories, skeletons which no one talks about. A friend once said, 'Talk to anyone long enough and you'll see most families are dysfunctional.'

Really?! I don't want that for my family, this family God gave me that my husband and I are striving to raise.

I think the thing that was missing from my adopted family most is a lack of relationship. There was a way of tearing down the relationships that existed between my siblings and I that was accomplished so discreetly and unnoticed that I only now see it. I feel like my parents thought they were doing a great thing by adopting us and providing for us. And they let us know it. But, I don't think they tried to get to know us. We thought differently than they, we did life differently than they. Instead of embracing us as unique persons, they wanted to conform us to their ideals.

They demonstrated their love for us by providing for us in a way that exceeded what our biological parents could provide and they thought that was enough. What we were lacking was an investment in our souls, the very people God created us to be.

I am reminded that the battle is not against my parents, but against the forces of darkness in this world. Satan would have broken relationships in this family. He worked towards it for many years. But, I think God would have it differently. Sometimes it is difficult: these relationships are work, but this is what keeps me going: Whatever my parents did, they did because they love us. They tried to do the best they knew how. I only wish they had taken the time to get to really know me.