This just in: I'm letting go...

My life has been some kind of crazy ride. Events throughout my growing up years robbed me of the joy and purity of childhood. They were enough to send a sane person to the crazy ward.

As a college girl, I searched for understanding. I read countless stories of victims and survivors. Stories of adults who had experiences similar to my own, who now suffer with multiple personalities, drug and alcohol addiction, stories of depression. I read stories of victory and empowerment, of survivors.

My searching for understanding turned to joy and wonder, my mourning to laughter. How is it that the God who made me, who saw my hurt and pain, would save me from this? How is it that I could experience such deep pain and loss and yet remain with my heart and mind intact? Surely He has had a plan for me all along!

And as I've grown to be a woman, a wife, a mother, I've looked at my life story and wondered why it didn't twist or turn this way or that way to have made a different life for me? Why is it that I had to experience such loss? Why couldn't my life have been better?

And now I see. I see that in doing this, in asking these questions, I've made a plan for my life, a prideful plan, thinking I could have worked the details out to avoid the affliction. And in my pride, I believed that in avoiding the affliction, I would be a better person today.

And now I see. God can and does work out the ugly details of our lives for the good of His kingdom. I don't know how He will use my ugliness, my brokenness, my pain and shame, my burden. But, now I see that I must release the burden.

What a great thing He has done in my heart already. That I can overcome these obstacles, by the power of His spirit, and be the mother that I am today, shows me that He is already doing a great work in me. The more I let go, the more of His spirit can be poured in and the more extraordinary my life can be.

Bring it Lord! I'm letting go.