I had a wonderful Christmas week. For the first time in over 20 years, I talked to the two people who brought me into this world. Each coversation lasted 1 1/2 hour, plus. Wow... and it seemed as if it wasn't even 20 minutes. And where does the conversation end? There's so much to say- a lifetime of news to share, feelings to relate, wounds to heal, future hopes to share. HOw does that get accomplished in a brief phone coversation?

It doesn't, which is why I am hopeful for a future. I am hopeful that we will continue to share, to grow, to bond as we never had before. My father told me he missed me much more than he realized. And my mother just couldn't bring herself to say goodbye.

This is really stretching my definition of mother and father. There is so much that I just don't know anymore.

God has much in store for us, and I am looking forward to seeing these relationships come to fruition. I never thought I'd be here, but I am glad I decided to come.


I've been doing a lot of reconnecting. Is it having to do with my new awareness of RAD? Or is it just the Lord working in my life to reconnect me to the people I love most who happen to also love me?

I've written a lot about my adoption story. My hope is that it will be a help to someone. I have reconnected with both biological parents. They divorced when I was about 5, and I was adopted at 7. The folks who adopted us, I call my parents. They love us; they did the best they could for us. They, like many parents, didn't have a clue at the extent of our baggage. It also tended to be a negative environment.

And now, we are coming together again. This will be interesting.


more of the same

So after she contacted me, I decided to bite the bullet.. face my fears of rejection and contact my father too.

My dad- the one who adopted me- loves me. I know he does. But I didn't know so much in my growing up years. He provided very well for us. He did sweet things, like buying us chocolate on Valentine's Day and taking us on wonderful vacations. He really did the best he could, but he just didn't understand what made our little hearts and minds tick.

And I really remember a lot about my pre adoption life. I was 7 years old. I do remember being a daddy's girl. But I didn't remember it, until I got a letter from him. It wasn't so much what he said, but what he seemed to understand and how I just felt better reading his words. It just made me bawl like a little girl. It made me miss him so much in my growing up years when kids were mean and I had no self worth to stand up for myself. It made me miss him when I brought home silly boys whom I should not have been dating. It made me miss him on my graduation day and my wedding day. I missed him in all parts of my life when I read his words- but I didn't miss him on those actual days. I wasn't aware of it until that moment when I read his words, when I read that he delighted in me and was thrilled that I would reach out to him. And that reminds me a little about my heavenly father.

Even when we aren't looking for him, He is longing for a relationship with us. He delights in us and he wants us to reach out to him.


It continues... part 5 or 6- oh bother!

Facebook is cool. I enjoy reestablishing old connections- however superficial they may be. It's nice to be able to post pictures of my dear children for my favorite people to see, and to have those people make sweet comments about them.

I never imagined I would reconnect with the very people who left me 20 + years ago to be raised by strangers. I have in the past 10 years reconnected with biological grandparents, aunts and uncles. It has been great- but that's another post- and puts me out of order- oh well. I made it clear to them I was not interested in relationships with my biological parents- and they respected and protected my privacy.

My biological mother found me on Facebook. And you know what? It's okay. A big shock to me, but I am okay. I took a few days- a week- to figure out what I was going to do, and then I did it. I don't know where this is going, but I am interested and willing to see.

She thinks she did the best thing for us. I think God works out everything for the good of those who love Him and are all called according to his purpose. I have claimed this as my life verse. God has worked out everything for me for my own good. But I don't think it had to be this way. I suffered many years without the people who genuinely loved me most. I had to tell her that. It took a long message. She had to know that I am not who I am because she gave me away to some nice people- but I am who I am because I have submitted my spirit to the Spirit of the Most High God. I am who I am because he has healed me of my hurt. I wanted her to know because she is still hurting- I can tell in her words. I want to give her hope for her future that He is BIG ENOUGH!

My sister has been in contact with our biological father. I forwarded him the email. It was the first time I had emailed him. He was surprised. He was encouraging. He was loving. Through his words, I remembered what it felt like to be daddy's girl. I didn't know I had missed that feeling- but there it was. Did I mention he loves Jesus too? And he just puts it out there so easily.

My gaurd is up. My grandpa told me, so wonderfully, I pray you will guard your heart, it is Holy ground! The Spirit of the Living God dwells there! Wow Grandpa! Thank you.
My heart is precious.. and my heart has a big job to do in loving my four precious gifts and I need to protect it. But I am hopeful for restoration and healing. Psalm 30:5 Weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning! And I have joy ... but in this part of my life- Bring on the morning Lord! I am excited about the possibilities...excited, but cautious.