commitment

This is so much tougher than I thought it would be. I love them, I really do. I am from them. I thought these relationships would be casual, easy, non committal.

The very nature of reconnecting with my biological parents is soul searching. It asks probing questions. I was 7 years old! I have memories that need to be validated and shared. I have feelings for these people that have gone unreciprocated, unacknowledged and unknown by them for 20 years. In the process, I become attached. This frightens me deeply.

The more attached I become to my father, the more I desire some form of commitment. I don't want him to leave me again. Desperately trying not to put him on a pedestal. He's a good wise man; he's kind, gentle, loving, generous. Yet, he did leave me 20 years ago. The more I talk to him, the more I like him. I see similarities. I feel appreciated. Will he tire of me? Will I annoy him? In tears, I told him, he cannot leave me again.

He reminded me our heavenly father is in charge. Heavenly Father makes the calls. Heavenly Father brings us in and out of relationships. But, my earthly father wants to know me more, wants to be part of my life. And that satisfies, edifies, and encourages me.

Yet, I have to remind myself: Jesus is more than enough. Jesus satisfies my soul. Jesus edifies and encourages, and it is Jesus who is sufficient for me.

I am thankful for these new relationships, but I am desperately clinging to a healthy perspective, keeping my eyes on Him, my redeemer, my savior, my everything.