This and this have really gotten me to thinking.
I've just started reading, Inside the Picket Fence. And I love it! She is blogging about what the Bible tells us about babies and families. I find myself convicted and trying to think this through. What does God want for me? What am I to do next?
At the same time I am reading this, I am packing up outgrown baby clothes (and trying not to weep, while doing so). I am remembering that I have given away ALL my maternity clothes. Because after the delivery of T3, the doctor said, 'You're done." and I said, 'done, I'm done?' Then proclaiming,' Yes, I AM done!' And I never wanted to be pregnant again. Words cannot express the emotions of pregnancy. The magnitude of being used by God to cradle new life is awe inspring and leaves me speechless. But, I am tired and I don't think I can go through that again! Three pregnancies in four years will do that to a woman!
Yet, I see my baby moving around, trying to crawl, becoming more independant. I am thinking, sleeping thru the night = returning fertility. Am I ready for this?
I know God will provide. He always does. The ways He has provided for my life are innumberable. But still I am scared.
And I am doing this Bible study with my siblings. The Search For Significance. And the key issue in this study is overcoming the fear of failure. And I think this really gets at it. I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't be a good mom, that I will be unable to raise my children to love Jesus and honor Him with their lives. And if I can' t do that, why keep having children? But, if I can do that- then by all means, I want to have a dozen :) Because more than anything, I look forward to the day when He comes again and we will be praising Him together.
As I see it, I am at a crossroads...birth control or no birth control! Trusting in Him or trusting in man. And is it possible to be trusting in Him and be using birth control? Lord, help me!